Author: LabyrinthFlux

-A friend of mine once wrote me and in her e-mail, she described her feeling as if being stuck in felt. That expression has come up recently in the annals of my mind. I wonder what that emotion felt like. What would it be like to be stuck in felt? The image it brings to mind is that of confinement, an inability to move. That’s how I perceived it, I mean, that’s what her expression meant to me, and every time I’ve felt stuck I think of that, I think of her. Of felt. Several times in the past week, […]

-I took a ride on the train today. Drank coffe and thought about what I’d write. I sat in an armchair and listened to some guy trying remember the stories in the bible, the ones he was telling a friend…he didn’t know. I went outside, long enough to satiate the nicotine craving. While I was outside I listened to another conversation. Some guy talking about a friend or acquaintance of his, who apparently lives vicariously through her boyfriends and has no real life of her own. When I went back in, the guy talking about the bible, summed it up […]

-The sun’s down and I stopped to pick a movie, I got a two for. A Spanish film and one directed by Maggie and Jake’s father. Pick up some inebriating spirits and head for home. The room fills with smoke, a darkening into my somber mood. And I sit in the dark and watch both films. One, the Spanish film, about luck and the possibility of surviving accidents-in the film that makes you lucky. I survived and here I am, still at home(translation:living with mom) and feeling directionless. I hate the pains of the substitute teacher. I’m at odds with […]

-When I’m alone, I think of the worst case scenario. To end up alone, live a life that no one knows but you. I make peace with myself and peace with solitude. I know it well. My childhood companion. The days keep passing and there is much to do, but I do nothing, except watch the sun dim on the window. And sometimes I wonder, why it is that my days are so short. Yet I cannot rise from my slumber till the morning has vanished. I’ve been here before, but with so much more feeling. I used to feel. […]

-“Losing hope, is freedom” Hope, in what sense of the word? Perhaps the knowledge and awareness of where each step will lead you, or perhaps simply not needing to know because you’ve arrived at a place where you know each path will lead you to some discovery, and each discovery will only add to you, who you are. We run around in our daily lives, frantic, wondering what comes next, what sand castle can I, now, build. When I was a child, I thought like a child. Too often I still feel like a child. But even as a child […]

-Someimes you have too much caffeine and you find yourself staring into space as you have a conversation. You hear everything, but you’re not there. That was today, somewhat zen-like I guess. “I’m not even here” I spoke with a manager about directing a music video for the band he represents, but that venture seems so distant and from hearing him speak and look at us, my production partner and I, even more so. We spoke about various projects-my friend and I-and walked around USC I don’t think I’ll ever feel home on any other campus. It seems as if […]

-My days pass, almost as if they did not matter. As if there were nothing to do with time but spend it. I’ve often thought of it in just those terms, this has ofcourse been in my weaker moments. In which time becomes nothing more than something to be endured until some final rest. That is not now. Bur I fear, I at as if it is. I can’t help it, I feel weak these days. Weak of mind and body. I’m sleeping a lot and having these elaborate dreams I can’t remember. I watch movies and zone out into […]

-There are moments when your mind is spinning and ideas seem to flood the capacity of your mind. The what if’s enter like a stampeeding herd of wild drunken men, each shouting and creating chaos for attention. And you sit there immobilized by their unruly behaviour. Sometimes I ly down and feel my weight is shifting forward in preparation of flight or simply some kind of gyrating motion. My thoughts weigh heavy on me. Is it to open my mind and find perspective or is it fleeing? Is fleeing so bad afterall? Perhaps at times, the only option is to […]

-I find myself at moments certain of my next move. Staring at that lowly pawn, I see where it can move and then where it should-where I should, but then comes the wave of sentiment and the emotions confuse me. I hold on to that spot on the board that spot which has taken me twenty some odd years to get to. I lose certainty. It leaves, along with my defenses. What is my next move? The pathways of life, have wrought little in my life thus far. Still i find myself so easily captivated at the entrance to each […]