Whirlwind

-There are moments when your mind is spinning and ideas seem to flood the capacity of your mind. The what if’s enter like a stampeeding herd of wild drunken men, each shouting and creating chaos for attention. And you sit there immobilized by their unruly behaviour.
Sometimes I ly down and feel my weight is shifting forward in preparation of flight or simply some kind of gyrating motion. My thoughts weigh heavy on me. Is it to open my mind and find perspective or is it fleeing? Is fleeing so bad afterall? Perhaps at times, the only option is to flee and in this fleeing, find perspective.
I feel at times, as if all perspective has been lost and I return to my formerly disillusioned self…or some version of him, I mean me.
It was Sartre, who spoke about the concatenation of manifestations of the self. A truly complex and dense concept. But then again, if these are mostly past manifestations, why is it that you return to them? I once, when I was twelve, believed that there were simply different parts of you, the metaphysical you, that controlled your behaviour. Apparently you have little control over them, unless you’re strong-in will. I find myself to be weak, at moments I appear strong and indeed behave in such a way, but I think most of the time I find myself to be weak, at least in the controlling of these winds within me (for lack of a better metaphor), and in these moments appear as such.
Regardless of who is right, me or Satre, I find myself at moments returning to old emotions, with very much the appearance of former manifestations of myself. I start to wonder if this is something, that in fact, can be left behind. A period perhaps, of self development that can be out grown. And then, if leaving the country is indeed a step toward that, toward some greater self growth. A step out of the whirlwind of the self. An unstable fixture in itself, can it be calmed and stabilized, is the resulting question.