Settling

-The sun’s down and I stopped to pick a movie, I got a two for. A Spanish film and one directed by Maggie and Jake’s father. Pick up some inebriating spirits and head for home. The room fills with smoke, a darkening into my somber mood. And I sit in the dark and watch both films. One, the Spanish film, about luck and the possibility of surviving accidents-in the film that makes you lucky. I survived and here I am, still at home(translation:living with mom) and feeling directionless.
I hate the pains of the substitute teacher. I’m at odds with the whole compulsory educational system, of which I am a product. The thought wanders my head, over and over, the question without an immedciate answer. What can I do, that won’t make me miserable? I know the answer, I think there’s only one. I want to be on set, I want to run the set. I want to direct the action and all matter of life that takes place in front of the camera, but alas, I’m here. I’ve handed out resumes like they were election buttons, without prejudice. I’ve spoken to every possibility. And I’m still here.
I love the moments when possibility is on the horizon, it feels so good. I think at this moment, I would be happy simply figuring out a way to believe that that same possibility were always there even when it has long departed. It’s not about possibility, it’s about me, isn’t it. So here I find myself settling into the dissappointment of two films, all the while thinking I could do better-at least I used to.