-I got in my car today, on my way home. The car sped past this intersection and that. My gaze falling from one thing to the next. The same car stopped at two red lights alongside me. My dreamy gaze bouncing from side of the street to the other, from the people on the side walk to those in cars. I caught a glimpse of myself in the rear view. Something my cousin told me recently jumped into my mind, summoned from the dearth of useless memories. “You look like your cousin,” he said, referring to my mother’s sister’s son, my cousin. ‘I dont,’ I thought, at the moment being reminded of the resemblance I’ve found between my cousins on my dad’s side of the family and myself, but never really with my mom’s side of the family. I started wondering whether there is a big difference between the things that separate us and those that make us similar, in appearance at least. I was then reminded of how we all look different regardless and considered it a mute point to continue thinking about it.
I arrived home, closed my eyes and fell to slumber. It was a heavy state of sleep, though it occurred within daylight’s hours. There were dreams which I could barely remember. It was both restful and exhausting to sleep in the grip of sunlight. I don’t know if it helped or worsened my condition. It was almost as if I lived only a half day. Existence at this point is an odd concoction of memories and waking moments but everything blurs and leaves you almost wondering if you are indeed living and not simply the result of someone else’s imagination. Even pain is not enough to dispell the thought that your existence is not. And in the ambiguity of not being certain, in the lightness of being, there comes a strange lackadaisacal mental state, and everything matters so much less. You could say everything becomes nothing more than resemblance.
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