Irony

-Anais Nin said, “We do not see the world as it is, we see it as we are.” To further this notion: The inadequacies we see in others, are reflections of our own. I was thinking about the things that get to me. The reason they dig themselves into me, like a thorn, is because these are my own short comings. Sometimes, they are simply for lack of action, at others-lack of persistence, and yet at others-lack of discipline.
I sat in my livingroom today, all afternoon. I had a mini DV camera pointed at me, but I did not turn it on. The first line I would utter kept scrolling through my mind, and I rehearsed and rehearsed, so that it wouldn’t sound stiff. But other ideas came about and I just sat there. Then I just lay there, inert. I thought about it, “This is the mirror I choose,” but at the moment I refuse to look into it.
I’ve been thinking about making a documentary about my travels to work abroad, but I’m having a hard time starting. Now, of course, is the time to begin, but I find myself almost paralyzed. I sit on thoughts, they make great cushions for misery. It’s like this whole year long trip, there’s an ambivalence. I think I’m affraid of what I might learn about myself, both through the experience and looking in that mirror. At the moment, I fear the struggle we must endure in order to grow, but I want to grow. There’s the irony.