Category: Quotidian

-When I’m alone, I think of the worst case scenario. To end up alone, live a life that no one knows but you. I make peace with myself and peace with solitude. I know it well. My childhood companion. The days keep passing and there is much to do, but I do nothing, except watch the sun dim on the window. And sometimes I wonder, why it is that my days are so short. Yet I cannot rise from my slumber till the morning has vanished. I’ve been here before, but with so much more feeling. I used to feel. […]

-“Losing hope, is freedom” Hope, in what sense of the word? Perhaps the knowledge and awareness of where each step will lead you, or perhaps simply not needing to know because you’ve arrived at a place where you know each path will lead you to some discovery, and each discovery will only add to you, who you are. We run around in our daily lives, frantic, wondering what comes next, what sand castle can I, now, build. When I was a child, I thought like a child. Too often I still feel like a child. But even as a child […]

-Someimes you have too much caffeine and you find yourself staring into space as you have a conversation. You hear everything, but you’re not there. That was today, somewhat zen-like I guess. “I’m not even here” I spoke with a manager about directing a music video for the band he represents, but that venture seems so distant and from hearing him speak and look at us, my production partner and I, even more so. We spoke about various projects-my friend and I-and walked around USC I don’t think I’ll ever feel home on any other campus. It seems as if […]

-My days pass, almost as if they did not matter. As if there were nothing to do with time but spend it. I’ve often thought of it in just those terms, this has ofcourse been in my weaker moments. In which time becomes nothing more than something to be endured until some final rest. That is not now. Bur I fear, I at as if it is. I can’t help it, I feel weak these days. Weak of mind and body. I’m sleeping a lot and having these elaborate dreams I can’t remember. I watch movies and zone out into […]

-I find myself at moments certain of my next move. Staring at that lowly pawn, I see where it can move and then where it should-where I should, but then comes the wave of sentiment and the emotions confuse me. I hold on to that spot on the board that spot which has taken me twenty some odd years to get to. I lose certainty. It leaves, along with my defenses. What is my next move? The pathways of life, have wrought little in my life thus far. Still i find myself so easily captivated at the entrance to each […]

-There are moments when your mind is spinning and ideas seem to flood the capacity of your mind. The what if’s enter like a stampeeding herd of wild drunken men, each shouting and creating chaos for attention. And you sit there immobilized by their unruly behaviour. Sometimes I ly down and feel my weight is shifting forward in preparation of flight or simply some kind of gyrating motion. My thoughts weigh heavy on me. Is it to open my mind and find perspective or is it fleeing? Is fleeing so bad afterall? Perhaps at times, the only option is to […]

-I find myself staring at the abyss at the precipice of change. I’ve decided not to accept last on the rung. I feel it may be arrogance, but then again what am I to expect from a masters degree from a school with no reputation except for admitting anyone with a pulse. It’s not to say that people who graduate from there are any less, I just don’t feel at home there and become overly critical not to mention miserable. I sit there and feel it’s like being back in high school. I’ve been to community colleges with better screening […]

I feel like a drunk man, stumbling through life, staying up much too late and barely able to wake when I should. The words in my mind refusing, almost, to dispense with their non-use, continue in hiding and those that do come make me sound pretentious. It’s almost as if I know these words, the ones I use, do something, they cause something but I’m almost uncertain of what exactly that is. I feel displaced and unable to speak. I walk through this new campus with an ill feeling of non-belonging. “I am here,” I think to myself. A humbling […]