Autumn

-Can you control love, the waves of time? Is it so easy to say one moment I love you and the next to change what it is you feel as if it were some on off switch. And when I looked into her eyes, the tears flowing lightly down her cheek and falling onto the pillow. She covered her face with her hands and every time I tried to remove her hands she asked me if I liked to see her cry. I told her then that love is like the ocean, it comes in tides and ours was at that point, shallow.
It’s not that I wanted to hurt her and it’s not that I did not love her but I didn’t love her. What the difference is I do not know. And even now I don’t quite understand. I couldn’t stand to see her cry and I held her but it only made her cry more. And as the tears fell I could feel my heart harden. Not because I wanted it to but because such is the state of life and such are the dealings with emotion. I stood up then, she curled into a fetal position and continued to cry. I walked away then, her sobs becoming more and more distant which each step and with each doorway I crossed. When I got into my car I couldn’t even see her face anymore when I closed my eyes.
I sat there and wondered where the last two years of my life had gone and what had come of it, if in closing my eyes I couldn’t see her, I couldn’t see a future and I couldn’t see a past. Then what is it that I’d done? I turned on the ignition and heard the voice of the lonely traveler. I closed my eyes and thought about the cold moments when I had held a warm body in my arms. I closed my eyes and there wasn’t a face for these memories, the only face I could remember now, was hers. Not Jenny, with the tears falling on the pillow, but Autumn, I never touched her and now hers was the only face I remembered. She had been my first love I guess you could say. But then again, what do you know about love when you’re still reading ‘Catcher in the Rye’ and walking around with a chip on your shoulder so that no one can say anything meaningful to you. And I don’t think she ever did. I don’t think Autumn ever said anything meaningful to me in the time I knew her, yet I remember her face and only hers. And I know no one has said anything meaningful to me since.
Maybe sometimes it’s the expression of our hearts that speak to each other, naked and vulnerable, a heart free to speak to a heart free to listen. And maybe hers spoke to mine, but I’ve never been one to understand the words of the heart and my heart has always been one to not listen or maybe it listens but never tells me. I haven’t felt anything for a while now and that’s why I can’t stand to see a woman cry. Especially a woman who has spoken those three words that are supposed to conquer hearts, ‘I love you’. But what do we know of love? Even as I sit here in my truck, the engine warming and she’s still inside, her tears drying on her cheeks, I know she doesn’t understand and I don’t think we ever will.
I back out of the driveway and drive away and as I do she comes out of her house, her robe flying in the breeze, she’s still crying. What can I do? I drive off. Only God can save us now.
Wake up, the sun is piercing through the window and disturbing my silence. Have you ever noticed when you’re feeling like shit the only thing that comforts you is sleep? And my sleep is stolen by the daunting sun rising. I slept on the highway. I didn’t feel like going anywhere in particular, especially not home. I open my eyes and the highway’s barren, empty just like my soul. What do I do now? I had a job, but I can’t remember now why I quit or maybe I was fired. I always had arguments with the guy in charge an overweight guy who’s bitterness showed pretty often. One of those people you sit and wonder how and why they continue on. It’s too long ago now to remember, or maybe I blocked it from my memory. Like the time I was fifteen and almost killed a kid. I didn’t mean to but when you’re walking around with a chip on your shoulder just about anything will set you off. He said something about my father I think, the man I had never met and who I wouldn’t give a fuck about so long as I wasn’t compared with him, and that’s what this ignorant kid did. He’ll never do that again, to anyone I’m sure. But for years I didn’t remember it. I had a criminal record I knew nothing about.
It wasn’t till recently, I don’t know what happened. I woke up in my truck one night, soaked in blood. I had a couple of bruises and the only thing I could remember was poor Danny boy, and what he said about me, and the father I never knew. After that I showed up to work but I didn’t have a locker, I didn’t have a time card and I didn’t recognize anyone. So I left and I’ve never gone back.
I met Jenny then, she waits tables at the bar I went to, to clean up. I didn’t see her on my way in, actually no one saw me either come to think of it. It wasn’t until I came out of the restroom, I sat at the bar and had a shot of bourbon. As I looked up I saw her face, she seemed familiar, I thought I knew her. And for a while I just sat there intoxicated by a memory I couldn’t recall. Staring at the reflective surface of the bar and every so often she’d walk by. There weren’t a lot of people there but by the noise in the place, which still echoes in my ear from time to time, you’d think the bar was packed. I just sat there sipping my bourbon, one after the other. Maybe that’s why she passed me so often. I don’t quite remember.
She sat down next to me, by this time the noise had died down, I hadn’t even noticed. She leaned in towards me, but I don’t remember her saying anything. We both sat there for a while, I had stopped drinking and could feel my mouth’s dryness. When the bartender said the bar was closing I didn’t say anything, it was as if my mouth refused to open. I just stumbled up out of my chair and headed out the door. She came after me. I don’t believe we had any kind of conversation but she came after me. Maybe it was to make sure I was all right, maybe they usually do. I stumbled out the door and squatted down to the ground outside. It wasn’t that I was inebriated or anything but I just wanted to sit a while longer. She said something and I managed to smile and nod my head, but I don’t remember what it is she said.
The next day, morning, I remember hearing an alarm. I’ve never owned one but it was ringing near my ear. My eyes refused to open. Maybe I had drunk a little more than I remember. Then I heard it go off and out of nowhere I heard a woman’s voice. I forced my eyes open and it was Jenny, she was smiling and putting on her robe.