Disbanding

-I was up late, reading. The Unbearable Lightness of Being. I think now, I may actually get it, or something of it. Weight having something to do with knowing, awareness of what may be at the end of each path along the journey that we find ourselves on.
There was a moment, almost hallucinatory, it was like a dream almost. I imagined myself in a chair, but only at the last moment did it become a chair, before that it was travelling, perhaps, it was me separate from the chair, and all the people in life, my life were along the way of this voyage and each had something to add, something to say. I found myself finally this chair and all the words they had spoken almost meant something, almost had some message to convey to me. I almost heard in their silent whispers after they had spoken, my verse, the one I was meant to contribute. But then it all faded and I was left on the chair I had been sitting on reading, with the light on and the smoke still lingering over the kitchen table.
I lay in bed and closed my eyes and saw myself in an editing room, a studio perhaps. I thought, in this state, of what they would say of me. They would talk about how it seemed I had no clue what I was doing. They would speak of how after the first cut of my film, I seemed as if I had walked through photography with my eyes closed. But then I knew that I would come out the victor, that after that first edit, I would go in and tell the editor exactly what I wanted and everyone would see that there is a mthod to the madness, that what at first appears purposeless isn’t always in the end. There was a certain sense that simply because I appear to have no clue, does not mean that I cannot triumph in my cinematic goal.
Perhaps it was a cautionary hallucination, or perhaps a part of my subcomscious causing me to manifest, in dream form, the fact that my dream is possible. A self pep talk to be trite. But I went to sleep with a smile.
Not every hallucination is bad. And so I disband from the self that cares what others think, and then I simply am. There’s a freedom here…it’s a process.